~*~ 2026 | 04 | 06 ~*~
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i have decided now of all times is a pretty good time to make another diary entry. i feel like typing it on a keyboard instead of handwriting it. perhaps i will post it to my web site.
i feel pretty shitty, but also like it'll probably go away eventually. i need to clean up my room, my house & my self, just a tiny bit. it shouldn't be that hard to get myself into a good routine if i can manage some kind of three-or-four-in-a-row day streak - part of me has been wondering if this is the kind of dysfunction that befalls a man who is without a dance partner to gracefully oscillate around the rhythms of his own life by keeping in good time with his partner, but my voice of reason also resounds strongly that i know that looking after myself properly is just a simple matter of picking up the pace. it seems like the most direct & obvious way i could set about making my life better would be to simple wash myself & rise properly in the morning. i feel like i wouldn't be feeling as sick & shitty if i wasn't just marinating in all of its productive crusts & juices. i am exuding so much crust & juice from the sickness (but it is not that bad. i am just sensitive to it). breaking out of the cycle regularly to have a quick shower seems like it would also branch out most favourably into the other paths of improving my own life, which i hope to arrange into something circuitous & self-sustaining; i.e., keeping the shower & kitchens totally clean would be a good excercise in making sure i keep those facilities in a clean state, good for use in the sense that my use of them facilitates also their cleaning. this kind of thing is what i mean by "self-sustaining". the problem in that example would be that between myself, keeping the shower & kitchens clean requires a certain time investment that would put me out of commission regarding cleaning say, the bedroom afterwards, without first making some kind of foreseen plan. that's why i'm trying to make it "circuitous". now that i am paying to live alone in this place, finding out how to sustain myself + the place in adequate harmony seems to be a goal to be chased as soon as possible.
i am also planning to just get back into writing in general. that is one of the reasons why i am writing this journal to begin with. i plan to write big & elaborate things, as well as small & digestible pieces like this one here. i have been reading a few things to prepare myself to write the bigger ones, & generally i am ruminating on what it is i want to write on in general. i've decided that i'm going to write multiple things at once, & just kind of see which kind of thing i enjoy writing the most. there will be fiction & non-fiction. at this point i have at least two actual, tangible things that i can work on present in my life, so i think once i put this post up online there won't be much to do except actually follow through on the things i am writing, which makes me wonder if all of this is just a deliberate act of procrastination, talking into the mirror.
as of today, i've had a pretty good time & made good progress with reading, but have been very tired & mostly just resting. i presume things will be a lot better tomorrow. i've been looking forward to tomorrow for a little while now - i'm going to a public library to have my driver's licence renewed. i know this doesn't sound like anything normally exciting to anybody at all, but i for some reason feel especially bewitched by my summoning to a sanctimonious place where authorisation permits for vehicles are ordained. describing it in that way is pretty dishonest though, because i'm mainly just curious to take a small detour to a country town library i haven't been to before. there is a lot of stuff there that my mind will busy itself with fantasising about & ruminating over. i will be extremely interested in the smells & sights & sounds, & stare deeply into the souls of all of the staff as they are forced to work with me, complied by the circumstances that be, the social formalities binding them to civic duty in renewing my driver's license, which requires the physical handling of an analogue camera, & the logdement of a fee. i want to ask this employee, or an employee, regardless of whomever actually operates the camera, whether my government concession card entitles me to any sort of discount on the fees. i didn't notice anywhere to claim a concession entitlement on any of the online forms pertaining to license renewal that i backed out of. the prospect of paying the fee from my personal computer & uploading a selfie sickens me. i want to be captured with the magical light-stealer box in the government building. i have a thirst for direct, first-hand experience. i want to make eye contact with strangers & see what sort of souls they have. for these reasons, i feel as if asking for the concession entitlement face-to-face might be some kind of exemplary case, where the alienation & stupidity of convenient online interfaces is usurped by the properly inconvenient, obstinately luddite analogue methods made available to me as a sovreign citizen of this particular penal subcolony of australia. i want to observe all of the rooms & places inside the library. i want to size it up. i want to imagine all of the different generations of computer hardware coming & going throughout the libraries history. i enjoy wandering around large spaces, so i hope the library is at least big enough to spend 5 minutes dawdling around like a spastic in.
i don't think i'll get any books from the library. the main victory will be getting my license thingie done. that would help me feel much more enabled & directed towards the self-sustainability i have outlined above. so, in order, it's:
- get up,
- shower,
- drive to the library before it shuts (5pm)
- renew license & smell all of the furniture in the library & get really into it & stuff
- come home & clean somewhere other than the kitchen or bathroom
& then after that, i'll be ahead of myself a little bit, at least until the next day. it'll be tuesday evening when i get home, so i'll be able to just kind of stay in & perhaps eke out more writing at that time after a meal, or i'll just rest if i'm still tired. i hope tonight's rest does me well because i'm completely knackered. it is 2am & i have been going to bed a tiny bit earlier than this. i don't really mind what time i get up lately, because i don't have anywhere to be, but i have been finding it difficult to find rest in sleep regardless. i need to find a way to relax amongst all of this. if there's anything i should put at the top of my list of priorities, it'd be that.
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