~*~ 2026 | 05 | 12 ~*~
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how & why the fuck is it may 11th?? in fifteen minutes it will be may 12th. i can't believe it. it feels like that day is two months both in the past & future from now. it feels like april never ended. i refuse to acknowledge the may blues & am instead going to be writing about other shit.
for my first act of proving my self-direction, i am going to needlessly fixate on the fact that i have been meaning to write some more shit down on my website for a long time. whilst this is pretty much a state i constantly inhabit, this particular bout of "i-gotta-write-some-shit"-itis has obstructed me for the past four or five days. one week ago, i had a dear online friend depart from the very first-ever international stay at my house anybody has ever taken. i am extremely moved & emotional about this, & i think i love this person very much, even moreso after bonding with them by letting them stay at my house & having adventures & doing stuff with them. whilst this is a huge thing, it is more of a private thing that i do not want to write about in this weird, public journal. these ideas came to me a few days after they left, & are generally related to other things, being the naturally descendent ideas about myself & what i think from such thoughts about the experiences i shared, as reflections on that time + the short few days afterwards it has been, during which i have ruminated about a few things that i feel like writing down.
foremostly i have been thinking about nothing outside the stability of my own life, & then my own personal standards of enjoyment i derive from inhabiting it (perhaps inescapably,). when i first began this site, it was long after i had initially developed any aspirations of being any sort of web-master or draughtsman of paragraphs of internet self-importance. i've written about it in the past on this very site, it seems - actually, looking back over all of my blog posts is pretty hilarious. this is the fifth out of five blog posts over almost two entire years where i talk about how i'm "going to get back into writing" & how i always have this crazy itch to write & get my life back on track somehow. lol.
some of the blog posts are pretty long, but the most recent one is pretty short. i think i sound insane in pretty much all of them. the one about "media" is a particularly long ramble, but it's also the most charming & actually seems to say something, despite the fact that i was pretty severely lacking in knowing what the right words to use when talking about those particular topics now. if i wrote it now, i certainly wouldn't be using the word "media," so much, mostly just out of a sense of shame & a refusal to call stuff that. these days i'm too disaffected + smart + cool to even refer to such a nebulous & blobby thing. i also feel like i would be able to just be far more concise, knowing now what i was only really attempting/trying to say back then. i guess that is part of using writing to figure out what you are trying to say.
anyway, the new stuff that i'd like to waffle about is mainly just more of the same, predictable ruminations about how sustainable my life is. i would first like to clarify that when i wrote the last blog post, i was a little bit sick & delirious. i also don't edit these blog posts - a lot of them (at least as of writing this,) still contain errors that i've left in. if i edited them, i'd probably not take too big a pair of scissors to them, but for now don't really see a reason to chop up my personal blog too much. i think i'll save that kind of effort for the VERY REAL & SERIOUS THINGS that i plan to make from my writing. i would also like to clarify a little bit about my own living situation & circumstances, perhaps swinging this blog into the "autobiographical oversharing" genre. you see, behind the keyboard, i am a person who did not, & still arguably does not know very much stability in life, & always felt that i was a single errant gust of wind away from being swept into precarity. despite spending most of my life relatively looked-after, it is only just recently, as of my 30th birthday really, that i have been able to really say to myself that i am okay, & that i'm not going to lose my place to live or any of my stuff or money in some unfixable or deleterious way. i finally feel adapted enough to all of the insecurities & worries of my life up to this point to say that i'm about 99% of the way there as far as my own sustainability goes.
in the literal sense, i am talking about my security of housing + income, which was always little bit shaken up by my parents' divorce + me not really growing up to follow a typical path towards working/participating in society normally. basically, despite coming from no real background & a pretty backwards set of circumstances, & also just being generally unwilling to work, i managed to work a very small amount of time & saved up a relative amount of money as a systems engineer in 2022 - 2024, due to remote work trending around covid. during that time i also moved out. mostly via fluke & some nepotism, i feel like despite mainly being destined towards NEEThood & indolence, i won myself a slice of life by exploiting things a bit in normie-quest, at least for a couple years. i think the rest of my life now will just be figuring out what contentment actually looks (or feels) like, & that is why i believe i still find myself fixated on my own sustainability at this age & time. as of the past two years, as has been the case for most of my life, work is, for whatever reason, not happening, & i'm very lucky to still have enough income at my disposal to pay my way through life without touching my savings. the fact that i have moved out on a wage, lost the job, but have still kept able to sustain myself & not lose my place or spend more than i earn as a welfare recipient on a fixed income seems to be a miracle to me, & i am very thankful that my circumstances have turned around for the better, even if i am not someone who would be considered "successful" by whatever traditional measuring stick at the moment.
anyway, i feel like now that i have explained this to the internet-void, there really is no excuse now for me not to know what i am going to be writing about. i can't make any promises, but i would like to believe that this may at least be a small sign that these writings are going to involve a lot less navelgazing & self-exploration. i think now would be a good time to outline here exactly what kind of writing projects i am going to be doing:
- i want to finish a text adventure game that i have outlined a plot & made a rudimentary engine for in bash last year. this will be a good place to dump a large amount of fiction in writing; the structure of the game being a text adventure makes it so that i can sequence the events in a very free-form & disconnected manner without worrying about interrupting the pace of the narrative or draughting up a new story. having a plan/storyboard to work from is also very helpful; i have my work cut out for me here.
- i want to write a followup to my 2025/01/20 blog post about "media" or whatever the fuck i was talking about there. i want it to be somewhat politically critical, long, & i think i also want it to revolve mainly around my thoughts on the webcomic "homestuck", but i'm not entirely sure if i want to write the homestuck thing as a separate piece, or perhaps it'd just be a single chapter or section of this piece. i also want to finish reading a few other things before i attempt to write the homestuck thing.
- i want to write a piece on socialization amongst people in my peer groups & communities that i have directly observed/been a part of. i also want this piece to be politically critical, & i want this one to mainly reflect on my time spent in my city's smash bros melee scene, ultimately examining the "anti-social social activity" of gathering everybody together to collectively ignore eachother using a video game. i don't think it'll be as long as the other one, but it feels just as necessary to write.
after i have done one or a few or all three of these things, whilst also peppering the blog with a few posts every now & again, & also delivering on my promises of exhuming some of my old writings & journals to publish here, i think i'll be in a much better position to see whether i want to give writing a more serious crack than just the amateurish bathroom graffiti i've put up here. at the moment i'm too wet behind the ears, even though i love writing & have always written to myself & my loved ones. i need more experience to be able to consider what kind of writing i consistently want to do, whether that be prattling on & casually writing memoirs here online, constructing works of fiction, or doing more serious critiques of the things & systems constituent of world we live in.
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